You Will Have to Wait

I pass by a table arms full of dishes, "I need a refill of ice tea here!" Are you kidding me? Here let me shit out an ice tea, and an extra hand to serve it to you. It is amazing how people think that I can just drop what I am doing. I have my hands full, completely. Really? How do they actually think this is humanly possible. Maybe that is it. They do not realize that I am human. They do not realize that my limitations are the same as theirs. The most amusing aspect is when they are not even my table. One of my fabulous coworkers is in the back slacking, not caring that not only does their table need refills but they are desperate enough to need to ask me for them. It is a life and death scenario here you know. One of these days I will drop everything in my hands shattering on the floor so I can go grab this ice tea that is so desperately needed. Then as someone comes to clean up the mess that I just made I will stand there in declaration, "no leave it, they needed Ice Tea."

General Rules 2

There is a magic to the edge of the table. When the menus are there the order is taken. When someone places there dishes at the edge they get taken away. An empty glass gets refilled. The check gets processed.

People do not understand the edge of the table rules in two ways. They will place their items: i.e. an empty glass on the inside of the table out of the servers view and not understand why they are not getting a refill.

Or...

People will place their dishes there and when you go to take them get all pissy. "I was not finished with that!"

Greetings

Most servers can instantly tell if a table is going to be a pain in the ass. There a many things that set off a red flag almost instantly. For example you can refer to my interruptions post, if a table lacks the courtesy to even let you get your name out, you know they are going to be difficult.

However my favorite, the one that makes me want to throw things, jump up and down and scream, "don't eat in a restaurant if you do not know how to behave!" is when I watch the table sit down immediately walk over to make my required 30 second greet and they look at me like I'M rude and state, "well we just sat down!" No F*CKING Kidding! That is why I am here! You know your server? The one who should be taking care of you the moment you sit down. So excuse me for bothering you when you walked into my restaurant to get you something to drink. I am sooo sorry for giving you good service, excuse me while I go and wait in a corner guessing when the best time for YOU is!

I know when I greet a table I have a few seconds to give a first impression. A server can win or loose a table in the first few sentences of a greet. I know that I am being judged. People can tell if I love or hate my job, if I am capable, and if I am going to give them a pleasant experience. I know that people don't want to know about my problems, they do not care. They came in to spend money on service, if they just wanted food they would have gone through a drive through or stayed at home. If I can realize that I am being judged in that first few sentences, then how is it that the table cannot realize that I am doing the same to them. If they are obnoxious right off the bat and I have a choice 30 minutes later of taking care of someone else or them who do you think I am going to choose? Do they think that because they were rude and over demanding I am going to jump to? Yessum Masta'? Bull shit! Oh you wanted a side of ranch? I totally forgot I am so sorry! let me go and get that for you right now!

People always say don't f*ck with your server because they will f*ck with your food. I can honestly say I have never (no matter how much I wanted to) spit in someone's food, or done anything from the movie Waiting. But if you are rude to me your food is less likely to come our right away, or your drink refills may come a bit slower, your beer might sit at the cocktail station a few extra minutes. Not because I am dragging my feet on purpose, but because there are other people at this restaurant that treat me with respect and I will be taking care of them first.

Camping

It amazes me how long people can camp out at a table in a restaurant. Today I had two old women (who wanted diet coke with roses lime juice-weird!) sit from the point I clocked on at 5:00 until 7:30. They were completely done with their meal and cashed out at 5:45 That is at least two other tables that could have sat there in that amount of time. These tables would have probably tipped me a total of $10 in the time that these women sat there. Therefor these women stole $10 from me. Then to spit in my face on top of it they couldn't even muster up a 15% tip. Legally in this state we can kick people out after 90 minutes of them finishing their meal. But no. Can't piss off the "guest." But letting them steal from their employees is a much better idea.

Tipping

The most important part of being a server is our income. Our income is our tips. No I am not a money grubbing whore who needs extra cash every night. I really do live off of my tips! People may think "well the company pays them so I shouldn't have to." These people do not understand how this works. Let me explain. First I have to tip out a percentage of my sales. At the current place I work at it is 5%. That means if I sell to you $50.00 worth of food I must pay other people (like the bartender, busier ext.) $2.50 total for your meal. That means if you do not tip me, it actually cost me money to serve you. Also the IRS taxes our income with tips, we are required by law to declare 8% of our sales every day to be taxed on. So if I do not make at least an 8% tip off of every table it cost me money to serve.
Side note-
Yes I know what you are thinking, not everyone declares their tips to the IRS. Well those people are mentally f*cking retarded! This great country that we live in rotates around income. To live in my apartment I need to make 3x the rent on my paychecks. I make about 400 a month from my employer. However I declare about 2,000 a month in tips. I would not be able to live in this hell hole if not for me declaring at least 8% of my sales every day.
off side note
So the question most people are asking at this point is how should I tip? The answer is simple.
10% after tax= you did a super shitty job
15% after tax=ok I got my food and drink whatever
20% after tax=good service you met all of my needs
25% after tax=great service or
=my wife is a bitch sorry!

and yes I have gotten that last one on many occasions.

General Rules 1

How is it that someone can come into a restaurant and not realize that there are general expectations of both them and their server?

For example: I come to the table after everything is finished and the check that I had placed neatly in the center of the table on edge with the check visible is now turned onto its side on the edge of the table. "I will be right back with this" is kindly stated as I pick up the check. "Oh no, I haven't done anything with that yet..." looking at me like I am the idiot. I then leave. At some point while I am gone the check has been picked up, a form of payment placed inside and the book placed in the exact same spot where they had it before. Several minutes will go by with me assuming that the check has not been touched when they are waving me down, "excuse me! this is ready to go now!" with the usual attitude of I should have known!

I have now taken to taking the check out of their hands at the point where they tell me they have not done anything with it and place it back in the original position I had it before. I might loose my tip, but maybe I will save some other poor server this song and dance for they next time this idiot thinks he is capable of behaving in a restaurant.